Been thinking about forgiveness recently. What it means to ask for it. What it means to give it. What it means to be forgiven and of course what the bible says about forgiveness.

 As a Christian, asking for and receiving forgiveness for my sins is central to my relationship to Christ. When I gave my life to Jesus, I asked him to forgive me for all my sins. He died on Calvary to pay the price for my forgiveness. The Bible is clear, as well, on our obligation as Christians—we must forgive those who hurt us. As Christ forgives us, we forgive others. Christians are also commanded to turn the other cheek.

 Are we free from all consequences of our transgressions once we ask for and receive forgiveness? Yes and no. Being forgiven by Christ means I will not suffer the ultimate consequence of an eternity in hell. But that does not mean I am expected to be free from other consequences. For example, I rob a bank. I regret it and ask the Lord to forgive me. He does. I ask the bank owner to forgive me, and he does, however I still have to go to jail for theft. I am forgiven, but I still have a consequence.

 If someone hurts you, is it okay to forgive them, but separate yourself from them to avoid being hurt further? Surely that is not against the scriptures. Even in my limited understanding.

 Often times in therapy, we talk about setting limits/boundaries to protect ourselves from being retraumatized by interactions with those who have hurt us. Ideally, we should forgive and forget, but that does not always happen. Take my relationship with some of my family members for example…it is extremely complicated for sure. I have been hurt, felt rejected, lied to, mistreated. When I was much younger, I wanted nothing more than to earn the affection and respect I believed I deserved. This need to be liked bled over into other relationships in my life.

 After your heart has been broken a few times, you develop a guard around your heart. At first, it is a chain-link fence with a gate. You open the gate and tentatively let them back in, only to have them hurt you again. So, you tear down the chain-link and put up a higher, wooden fence only to have them tear it down and get back in to repeat the hurt. So, you build a high stone wall. The cycle continues until you imprison your heart in a castle, surrounded by high stone walls with gun turrets, and a moat filed with hungry alligators.

 I am feeling like it might be time, though, to make peace with the past. I have already decided to forgive, but more important I need to ask for forgiveness. I am not without blame. I am certain that the other parties do not feel as if they have done anything wrong, so I am not going to tell them I forgive them. If they do ask for it, it has already been given, though. I do not say that to virtue signal but merely as a way of looking for the positive in what is an emotionally difficult decision.

 My unthinking response is to retreat back to the castle, but I only see more hurt and resentment if I choose that option. When we lost my brother Bill, I was blessed to have made peace with him. We were close when I was younger, having a similar view of the world, a shared love of books and music, but as he batted his demons and mine, we lost that. And while we were not the best of friends, we had discussed things that had happened, said “I’m sorry,” and started reestablishing a relationship that was once lost due to alcoholism. It did not make his death any easier to accept, but it did save me from the what ifs and guilt I felt when my Mom passed away, and then when my baby brother Rob took his own life.

 PLEASE DO NOT get me wrong, I am not saying everyone should forgive and forget traumas. For me, though, I have decided that my own ego and need for affection and respect do not have to continue to feed my bitterness. And you know what they say about bitterness…